All stories about "Yelp"

The Week In Yelp: On Clubbing and Yelper Debauchery

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

I live my life in a perpetual state of swearing off stupid behavior, then slipping up and participating in said sworn off behavior, enjoying the stupid behavior, and then feeling like shit afterwards. It's an awesome cycle. However, one very, extremely dumb activity that I really do swear I will never be suckered into participating in ever again is clubbing. Me and clubs, we're through. It's not that I ever even liked clubs beyond the age of, like, nineteen. It's just that I drink too much and then someone convinces me that it's a good idea to waste half my paycheck at some crappy, loud moron-magnet, dancing to Soulja Boy and drinking $15 appletinis. I cry just thinking about it.

But who am I to tell you what to do with your life? If you're really into the club scene, here are some fantastic recommendations from the good people of Yelp which should certainly help to guide you to the hottest hot spots in town. Or not.

Yelpers rather enjoy clubs, and also urinating on them >>

The Week in Yelp: Hangover Busters Edition

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

I enjoy a good twelve-martini lunch as much as the next drunken floozy, but one thing I simply cannot deal with anymore is a hangover. It used to be that an hour of sleep, a Gatorade and a cup of coffee was enough to get me through the day after a late night of heavy drinking. These days I simply cannot function with a hangover. So, how do I do it, you ask? How does an old person like me hold down a job while still managing to keep so much sauce in the tank? Drinking early, my friends, and being in bed by 10:30. Seriously, I regularly go to bed earlier than my sixty-year old mother. Yet I had a Scotch, a mojito, a glass of wine AND a grappa last night…and I feel fucking fantastic this morning (in yo' face!). And yes, that is indeed the most repulsive combination of drinks ever, and yes, I'm quite disgusted with myself. Sigh. But hey, no hangover!

But what are some other hangover-busters, you ask? Continue on for more suggestions from the Yelpers…

Coffee, beer, Mozart, bran muffins and "dropping a deuce" on CalTrain >>

The Week In Yelp: The American Splendor of Yelpers

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

The best part about Independence Day is an opportunity for pure, unbridled patriotism in all its glorious forms. I said to my boyfriend last night, "I'm thinking of wearing this red and white striped t-shirt with a pair of blue shorts on the 4th of July. Do you think that's a good idea?" To which he responded "I think that's an excellent idea!" An excellent idea, indeed, sonny boy. I truly love the 4th -- Barbeques, fireworks, drinking too much Drambuie and getting in a fistfight with your brother. Good times! So you can imagine my delight upon finding these Yelp review of none other than…America!

NEXT: "I love America.....it sucks, but there aren't many better options. lol" >>

The Week In Yelp: Let's Play "Who's The Bigger Dick?"

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Here's a fun game I just made up. It's called "Who's The Bigger Dick?!?" Here's how it works. A bunch of doofy Yelpers write reviews based on how some maitre d'/bartender/waiter acted like a dick to them. Then, based on their review, we decide who the real dick was – the customer writing the review, or the server in question. It's like being a detective, except without all the dead bodies piling up all around us and the drinking on the job (I watch The Wire, I know how these things work). It's Yelpers versus restaurant workers in the battle of the dicks – can anyone guess who is going to win this contest?

Play along at home, kids!

Let's See Who Will Win This Game >>

The Week in Yelp: The Strange World of Yelp Fetishes

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

So, there is this man who has Downs Syndrome who works in the mailroom in my office. He is a very nice man, but lately I began to wonder why he was asking me to sign for an inordinate amount of my coworkers’ packages. Then, a few days ago the receptionist let me in on a little office gossip; the mailroom guy has a not-so-secret foot fetish, and I happen to wear a lot of sandals. I didn’t want to believe it was true and was afraid that she was just making fun of him. But when questioned, everyone nonchalantly agreed that his fetish was public knowledge, and that they all were aware that I was his most recent target for foot affection. Now when I pass him in the hallway, I can’t help but be aware of the hungry look in his eyes as he stares at my tootsies, or the random lingering around my desk, his eyes glued to my feet. But what I can’t decide is whether I should indulge the poor guy’s harmless fantasy with more exposed footwear, or should I hide the coveted feet in shamed orthopedic-type shoes, because, quite frankly, who wants to be the object of someone else’s fetish AT WORK? You’re trying to, like, create a spreadsheet, and some pervy dude is all drooling on your feet. Not cool!

All this fetish talk leads me to declare that it is Fetish Week over on Yelp (because, you know, I have the power to do that, and stuff). Shall we dive right into some of the more idiotic “fetishes” the Yelpers claim to have?

Coming Up: French Toast Orgies at Kate's Kitchen and Sadly, More >>

The Week In Yelp: The Glory of the Review of the Day

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Most of the time when I am “reading” Yelp, I find myself feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed and confused. Who are these people? What is this strange fantasyland? Am I on match.com? Does this have anything to do with food…at all? Frankly, it’s just depressing. And then I drown my sorrows in White Russians, donuts and tabloid magazines, and after a couple of hours, it really doesn’t matter anymore that fifteen individual people took the time to review a freaking Taco Bell. (They sell something called a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito for eighty-nine cents. Did it really require fifteen reviews?). So, as I was saying, it mostly just makes Amy sad. But there is one thing about Yelp I can get behind, and that’s the fact that they reward dumb behavior, which is something I also like to do in my personal life. Right. So, the Yelp “Review of the Day.” I have no idea what makes a review worthy of this esteemed honor, but I do know that in the army of socially awkward Yelp nerds, the Review of the Day is, like, the Purple Heart. Here are some of the previous posts that have received this coveted front page status. I’d ask you all to explain to me why these were singled out, but I’d rather just drink Kahlua and vodka and hang out with my cat.

NEXT, Kiss Seafood: "to be savored, loved, worshipped." >>

The Week In Yelp: Tossing Out Softball Suggestions

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

One thing that I love about recreational softball leagues is beer. I also like it when your British teammate finally gets a hit for the first time all season and then runs towards third base instead of first (those wacky limeys!). Another good thing is when your (American) teammate pegs a runner on the opposing team in the back with a softball as the runner slides into home, as opposed to, say, throwing it to the catcher to make a play. It’s also funny when your right fielder falls in the outfield and gets dog poop all over her uniform. Or when your shortstop has a hole in the seat of his sweatpants all game, and nobody tells him. I love my softball team! We may have won approximately three games in the past six years, but we are scrappy and full of spirit, and everyone knows that is what is truly important in athletic competitions. Oh, and beer is a very good thing. Ahem.

And now for the best places to hang out after your next softball game…but don’t blame me if these suggestions suck. It’s Yelp, after all.

More Softball Antics, Coming Right Up >>

The Week In Yelp: BBQ Season Has Arrived!

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Now that Memorial Day is over, is it safe to say that it's finally, unofficially summer? Is it also safe to say that thus begins the season of insane gluttonous barbecue overindulgence? Because I don't know about you, but that's pretty much what I plan to do with my summer (such lofty goals!). Thankfully the kids over on Yelp are just chock full of their ever "helpful" suggestions about where to go for the best barbecue action around. Plus, as an added bonus with your restaurant review you get a side of fuzzy wuzzy Americana, hand jobs from strangers on the subway, waddling livestock in elastic-waistband pants, and of course, Skraggle. Ah Yelp. How you confuse me so.

Yelp Protocol: Marry the first person who loves Pete's BBQ as much as you do >>

The Week In Yelp: Where Bad Reviews Get Worse By Doubling As Poems

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

This week we’re going to delve into the softer, gentler, more poetic side of "restaurant reviews." But before we get into the legions of Yelp bards, I’m going to humiliate myself by letting everyone read this mortifying little verse that I published in my high school literary magazine in 1994. It’s poetry week, after all, here at The Week In Yelp…

A Riddle In Sixteen

it’s like being four and having chocolate ice cream / sticky-gooey all over your chin / then reaching up for mama’s fat hand / and she looks down at you / and can’t help but smile and stroke your soft hair / because she knows that you are hers / and you are just happy because you are loved / and you can just purr and be gentle and sticky-faced / and there is no confusion about who you love and who loves / you and what you want / and you wear short dresses with your baby-fat legs and / you just run to dandelions and tumble and fall giggling / because you / got it / and / nobody else did

Wee! This was published in my high school literary magazine next to an extremely phallic-looking student drawing of a candle dripping wax. The day after the magazine came out, I suddenly began receiving notes in class from dudes who had otherwise never spoken a word to me, saying that they had read my poem and asking me if I wanted to go out. Had they understood the deep, underlying meaning of my poem and…fallen in love? Had all of my tortured sixteen-year old dreams come true? Then I found out that the whole high school was talking about how some chick in the eleventh grade snuck a poem into the lit mag about oral sex. And that’s how for one special moment this nerd somehow became the Blow Job Queen of her high school. Oh poetry!

Shakespeare Goes to Lee's Deli and a Host of Painful Poem-Reviews >>

The Week in Yelp: On Drunken Reviewing

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I can tell, the most ridiculous part about Yelp is the so-called "talk threads." As absurd and unhelpful as so many of the user-generated reviews are concerned, ok, at least I get them. In theory. Sort of? But the talking element? Yikes. As if people need more forums to complain about really, really boring shit.

For the most part I usually ignore the talking component of the site because, you know, I like to stay awake and stuff, but a recently proposed topic caught my eye. Drunk reviewing! It's like drunk dialing except, like, a thousand times nerdier and nobody ever gets laid. Oh, Yelp.

NEXT: The tipsy reviews, and quite possibly the best sign-off of the month >>

The Week in Yelp: Bad Service Leads to "Displeasingness"

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Despite having had just about every other crappy job on the planet (telemarketer, newspaper deliverer, dish washer, um, dog counter), I have somehow never been a waitress. This is a little odd, since just about everyone else I know has put in some time waiting tables, and it's exactly the kind of thankless labor I pretty much seem destined to do. Anyway, I may never have been a waitress but I do have some restaurant experience. Many years ago, my brother used to work in the kitchen at Outback Steakhouse. And in college, when I would come home for winter vacations I used to work there during the daytime while the restaurant was otherwise closed for business, selling gift certificates to desperate Christmas shoppers. It was an awesome gig. Nobody was there besides the kitchen prep guys, and all I had to do was sit in the dining room all day reading a book, occasionally selling a gift certificate when someone wandered in. The kitchen would make me anything I wanted for lunch, always off the menu, and I mostly just sat around drinking Diet Cokes and getting paid a better hourly wage than I got at any of my other crappy jobs. Oh, and one other thing I had to do was answer the phone at the hostess station whenever it rang. "G'day mate, Outback Steakhouse, this is Amy, how may I help you?" was the standard greeting. Which is maybe the most humiliating thing I've ever been forced to say. And this is what I remember every time I tip my server, whether they were good or bad, I tip for every ridiculous "G'day mate" I was forced to utter.

Onto the whiners, bitching about bad service…

You may be surprised to encounter some Yelpers getting fussy about service >>

Imaginations Unleashed: One Yelper's Vision of the Future

When it comes to the local demicult called Yelp, one of the more frequent—and valid—criticisms of the site has been the uncertainty of sustaining long-term viability. Given the fact that no one really wants to sift through the 900 reviews on Gary Danko (let alone the 143 for Waterbar already), many have wondered what will be the next step for Yelp once it jumps the shark, if it hasn't already. Fortunately for Jeremy "Big Papa" S., one local Yelper has figured it all out, in true zealot form with a furious blaze of brainstorming. The answer lies in print media:

There are enough restaurant reviews in here to topple any high and mighty bay area restaurant critic: Power to citizen journalism and reality reviews!

Imagine if Yelp decided to create a weekly PRINT restaurant / business review guide.

They would start in the Bay Area; the mecca of diversity and personality for the US of A.
It would simply be the best read in town!

More From Our Visionary: Free Meals, VIP Treatment, and a Reality Show >>

The Week in Yelp: The Train Wreck Called Bachelorette Parties

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

What's more tragic than a group of grown-ass women out in public wearing veils, plastic penis necklaces and "Suck for a buck" t-shirts while pounding lemon drop shots at some hideous club? Especially when you consider the fact that their husbands and boyfriends are at the bachelor party down the street getting hummers from hookers. Really, it just breaks my heart.

Well, at least this chick had fun at her FIRST time bachelorette party at Karma (wait, not just fun – crazily FUN!). So simple, yet…so very happy. Kinda like a puppy! A drunken Korean puppy…

all my friends know, I HATE smoking with passion..
I know.. I am a drunken Korean girl.. BUT smoking is not my fetish at all..

few weeks ago, I went Karma for a CRAZY bachelorette party..
I am telling you.. it was my FIRST time bachelorette party ever..
after swiping the ID through the bouncer's card reader, I couldn't see and breath inside.. the place was full of smoking cloud and smell.. but as I told u, it was my FIRST time bachelorette party.. and I was strangely curious about it...

All kinds of "crazily" bachelorette debauchery and heartbreak, right this way >>