The Week in Yelp: On Hookers and Spam Puzzles

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes Eater's newest feature: The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Thanks to Governor Eliot Spitzer, everywhere I go people are talking about hookers (it's kind of awesome). When the scandal first broke, a friend of mine admitted that she just didn't get what the big deal was. I think I responded with something typically idiotic like "uh, he hired a hooker?" It turns out that she had forgotten that prostitution was illegal. Really? And then again, yeah, kinda. Another friend was surprised that his wife didn't notice the money disappearing. I thought, would you notice if your husband spent two dollars on a slice of pizza? Because sadly, that's probably the equivalent. A former co-worker was shocked that Spitzer, of all politicians, would do something so low. Oh, honey. What amazed me was that he basically went to the most expensive, high-profile hooker he could find. Had it just been an affair with no blatant exchange of currency, it would have been ugly, but eventually it could have been fixed (see Clinton, Giuliani). Or had he gotten a ten dollar hummer from a lifelong pro, probably nobody would have ever been the wiser (as long as he didn't do it in a Minneapolis airport bathroom). Instead he used a pimp that offered online shopping (progress!). He blew eighty grand. He was arrogant enough to think that his entourage would turn the other cheek to his indiscretions (and believe me, they knew).

So, with all this prostitution talk these days, I've got just one question. Where's a nice place to bring a hooker these days?

The 21 Club, perhaps?

Spam puzzle, cat fights, iron workers, and hookers.

That was my introduction to the 21 Club. I'm glad that we stopped there earlier in the night, because the hooker was a black beauty, surprisingly hot, actually female, AND had most of her teeth.

The bar patrons were mostly 55+, but some of them enjoyed talking to the hot chicks in our group. A couple seemed annoyed with our bar-crawl, but it's kinda like we were invading their bar.

I didn't determine whether the Spam puzzle was cardboard or actual pieces of SPAM meat that were cut out into puzzle shapes. It was probably the former, but really, how cool would it be to have a meat Spam puzzle?

This guy is impressed by the idea of a puzzle made out of canned meat and he refers to a woman as a "black beauty" (isn't that a horse?). Had he been any more tanked when he got to the bar he would have totally banged a hooker. This is why I drink.

Ahem. American Trash is an appropriately-named joint.

Two Good Words: Dude City
Two Bad Words: Creeptastically Doggish
So the good news is, if you are a dude who wants a hand job, this place is for you, because when I went there, there were fifty year old hookers texting potentials. The name of this bar says it all, on the wall I saw an advert for a guest bartender from the howard stern show. Drinks are strong, and they have a juke box where you can play music. I was going to give it two stars, but I ended up giving three because it's just not my style, and despite how creepy it felt being there, I actually had a lot of fun. If I was by myself, though, it would not have been a fun night.

I know a lot of guys who would like a hand job, but I'm not sure that any of them want them from fifty-year old skeezers with pimp-issued Blackberries. Also, when you think of Two Good Words do you think "Dude City?" Yeah, me too, totally!

Also, pancakes with drug addicts and hookers at Kountry Folks is neat-o mosquito!

This place is super-ghetto, but the breakfast is good. Although it's hard to mess up breakfast. If you go in with the idea that you will be eating around drug addicts and hookers then it makes it fun. I go here for lunch about twice a month and the food has always been good. Stay away from the steak and eggs if you are a person who likes steak.

Get a little rebellious thrill with every bite of breakfast sausage. It's super ghetto!

Anywho, how many times have I sworn off the little red pills? Every time it's the same damn thing ... one-armed hookers, off-duty cops and a hangover like no tomorrow..

."Come in to get well" cheers the little sign hanging outside this otherwise downer looking building with no windows. Inside, beware. You may get sucked into the V Room alternative universe. One of the regulars there was telling me how he's in his 80's and the doctors prescribed him marijuana pills. Somehow over the course of quite a few more drinks, I ended up eating one of those little red pills. I then met a one armed hooker, a retired attorney, a drug dealer, an off-duty cop and his stripper girl friend, and a huge blur of other characters while I swear the bar was moving the whole time, along with the lighting seeming to fade in and out, or was that just me? Hmmmm

It wasn't just you. The whole world seems to be moving with the lighting fading in and out. It's a real spam puzzle, if you will. Hookers!

—Amy Blair