The Week in Yelp: Chocolate Brings Out the Crazies

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes Eater's newest feature: The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Many years ago I received a very thoughtful and practical gift of chocolate body paint from someone who obviously thought that I both owned a set of rubber bed sheets and was the type of person who would ornament my lover in candy artwork (it actually came with a paintbrush which for some reason I found to be the most utterly ridiculous part). Needless to say, my inner sexual Picasso never came out, and the chocolate body paint remained unused at the bottom of the bedside table drawer. Then one night in an act of utter PMS-induced lunacy, a former roommate and I were desperately rifling through the kitchen cabinets in a pathetic search for chocolate. The house was seemingly chocolate-less, but if you have ever had PMS you understand that failure was not an option. Suddenly I had an idea; the chocolate body paint! This might be good smeared on bread, a la Nutella, I suggested. My friend thought that we should dip pretzels in it. We could even eat it by the spoonful. With disproportionate glee I ripped open the plastic packaging only to discover that the body paint was beyond its expiration date and a layer of mold was visible across the top of the jar. Damn ye chocolate gods! I could have cried. And that is the story of how I came to realize just how little my dignity is worth in the face of chocolate. The end.

First up, Mignon Chocolate?

My friend got married and had Mignon chocolate as their favors and although I was sad that my other friend that I was supposed to sit next to at the wedding wasn't able to attend, I was able to steal her chocolate, hehe. The chocolate orgasmic as my brother would say and I carry around a set of mapquest directions in my purse just waiting...waiting for the day that I'm in the area during their open hours so I can indulge in some tasty treats. Sigh. Definitely better than any other chocolate I've had including Godiva. Yeah, now you have to try it....

Note to self: Please god don't ever let me start a sentence with the words "The chocolate orgasmic as my brother would say?" NOT RIGHT.

Next up, the most delicious cookies you will ever drop three an entire paycheck on?

I am a whore.
Not just any kind of a whore. I am a dessert whore.
A dessert whore who loves cookies!! Not just any kind of cookies, I love expensive cookies. And who can I turn to for expensive cookies? Yep! Deluscious Cookies + Milk (DC). The priciest cookies you will ever have and possibly the tastiest cookies you will munch on.

The cookie whore decided to order some cookies and we (me + girls at work...three total) settled on DC. Now, you have the option of classic cookies (i.e. chocolate chip, oatmeal raison) or couture cookies (banana mango coconut, red velvet cookie, chocolate coffee espresso bean, etc...). We decided on a dozen cookies ($38.95 +$12 hand delivery charge). You can pick the basic dozen, which includes chocolate chip, cinnamon sugar, oatmeal raison, and chocolate decadence, but we decided to experiment. We ordered:

3 Rocky Road
3 Chocolate White Chocolate M&M's
3 Chocolate Decadence
3 Chocolate Toffee White Chocolate

In order to order from the couture menu, it's an additional $1.00 per cookie! If you want milk in a bottle it's $5.00 (only deliverable in LA area).

I started with the chocolate toffee white chocolate cookie, which was the only one that really looked like a cookie (the rest were smaller and fatter). This cookie was the BEST cookie! Crisp on the outside, chewy and soft in the middle. DeLuscious! The other cookies were good, however a bit too rich for me. They were very cake-like, which the lady had explained to me on the phone, but way too rich. A bite of each was enough to give this gal a stomach ache.

These cookies were good, the chocolate toffee white chocolate cookie being the best cookie I've had. The individual wrapping of each cookie added to the charm of DC. However, unless you have an expense account and/or willing to spend $3.25 a cookie you may have to make do elsewhere.

So, are they good? Yep! Expensive? Yep!! Tasty? Yep yep yep!!!

P.S. When we ordered our dozen cookies you can only choose 4 different flavors, hence 4 flavors instead of 12 different cookies.

P.S.S. They can also do same day delivery in LA, which is why I was able to satisfy my cookie craving right away. Yay to same day delivery!!

Update: 11/07/07- these cookies were even more amazing the next day! :)

This post confused the hell out of me, but all I know is that this chick is a whore. Not just any kind of whore. A cookie whore. (Cool, dude). And if you order cookies from this place, be prepared to spend $7,000. You can skip the other 3,427 words. Also, good lord I would hate to be the person taking telephone orders at this joint. (Yep yep yep!!!).

Next up, the reason why I no longer take acid before going out in public?

I'm truly torn. Chocolate bar is the happiest place in the world! Punk rock girls in the back making chocolate bars. In the front, a jolly fat singing and dancing man pressing free truffles into my hand on the sly. And in the middle, Rachel Dratch sipping molten cocoa (no joke...she was there too). I stayed in this itsy bitsy Willy Wonka wonderland of chocolate-induced hyperactivity and spent buttloads of money on chocolate.

But it didn't taste that great.

So sad.

No. Way. Rachel Dratch?! That is like sooooo cool! Also, beware of the jolly fat singing and dancing man who presses free truffles into your hand. That's always a sure sign that your previously happy acid trip is about to take a turn to the dark side.

And last but not least, a chick named Jewel who is positively freaking out because she ate a candy bar from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. No, seriously.

Oh yeah - give me chocolate! Dude, the caramel apples. Haystacks. Things. dipped. In. Chocolate. **getting dizzy. have to stop to catch breath**

Hello, My Name Is Jewel, And I Am A Chocoholic.

It's ok. I once considered skimming the mold off of a jar of chocolate body paint and eating it. I didn't do it, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I gave it thought.

—Amy Blair