The Week in Yelp: On the Finer Points of Indian Dining

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes Eater's newest feature: The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

After about three thousand drinks and no food, I stumbled boozily into one of those Indian restaurants on 6th Street in Manhattan with a couple of my lady friends. They were just about to close but they seated us nonetheless. The restaurant was empty, and the otherwise bored waiters seemed amused by this unexpected turn of events and subsequently began plying us with free wine. After an hour, the waiters were sitting at our table with us, my friends and I were pretty well tanked, they had locked the front doors?and yet I was somehow completely surprised when the waiters brought out a big pile of hashish and invited us to smoke it with them. You know, when I decided to write this column about Indian food, I tossed around a couple of options to tie the whole thing together. "24 Hours in the Life of a Samosa"? "Indian Food: It Sure Ain't Pakistani!"? Nothing seemed quite right. In the end the only explanation I could come up with was "These People MUST Have Gotten High With Their Waiters." Hey, it happens!

First up, New York’s Masala Restaurant, where the mango martinis are so good you might just have to order them three times.

By far the the best Indian restaurant I have been to in while. My date enjoyed their mango martini so much so she ordered it 3 times I was like easy now. We had got kaboa mix for stater and bhuna lamb, chicken tikki masala, onion and garlic nan bread. It was excellent their hostest is very hot just like bollywood movie star at least that's what we thought. Well we found this bollywood theme very exotic and festive and got some info on renting Indian films so we decided our next date will be food delivered from Masala & watching Debvdas .. ahahah I hope they have subtitles.

This sure was the “hostest” with the mostest! (Sorry, couldn’t help myself). Anyway, does anyone here think that the follow-up date of take-out from the exact same restaurant and “Debvdas” ever actually happened? In my experience, usually sucking down multiple martinis (like easy now!) while out with a guy who can barely string a sentence together and asks the waiter a million embarrassing questions about Bollywood usually does not equal a second date. Then again, maybe she just really likes chicken tikki masala. Hee.

Before you go out to an Indian Restaurant in the future, consider this: the chef may have just emerged from the bathtub with a holy cow. It's true. This dude saw it in the National Geographic. Just keep that in mind the next time you are craving some saag paneer at Shershah. (Yikes).

I'm not really big on new things and I'll admit the National Geographic images of people bathing alongside holy cows didn't inspire an intense desire within to try the Indian cuisine. I came here only because it was one of my closest friend's birthday's and he chose this place. To my surprise the food was decent and a whole hell of a lot better than it looked..

3 areas of improvement:

1. The pink chicken. 2. The bland rice. 3. The mute waiter.

Pink chicken and a mute waiter? What, were you trapped in an episode of Twin Peaks? Also, you pretty much suck.

Moving on to?perverts. That's right. I'm talking about pictures of people totally doin' it in an Indian restaurant. Sexy!

Lulu and I decided on having an Indian buffet at Tandoori Mahal, and we realized this place should be called Kama Sutra Mahal, or pervert Mahal. After walking in, Lulu pointed to a picture on the wall, and the following discussion ensued:

Lulu: "Holy sh..t, that guy his hands on her tit."

Srini: wait a minute, all the pictures tell a story, look it continues on the other wall, she's wearing less

Lulu: pervert....

Srini: no, seriously, look(waiting in line for the buffet). The first picture is of the girls mom thinking "Oh, I hope he takes good care of her (said in Indian accent)

Lulu: pervert

Srini: look at the next picture. The guy has taken the girl away and he has some booze he's feeding her. He's trying to get her drunk so he can f$%$k her.

Lulu: Pervert

Srini: And then she starts dancing, and he puts his hand on her tit, and then she takes some more of it off. And then look, they're in some sort of Kama Sutra position.

Lulu: Pervert

Srini: And then look at them, he's like dragging her on his shoulder after they bathed in the river. They had to bathe because of the sweaty sex, and he f$%$%kd the shit out of her so she looks exhausted.

Lulu: You're such a PERVERT(hits me).

Somebody definitely placed those pictures strategically. Go check it out after you read my review and you'll see.

Oh, Lulu! What a wacky gal.

And last but not least, some psycho chick who wants to marry a deep fried cauliflower appetizer at Tamarind...

This is honest to G-d some of the best food I've ever eaten. And I am a real life Indian. Of the dot variety. I mean I almost cried when I was there. The service is amazing. Ask for the deep fried cauliflower appetizer (it isn't on the menu) it makes you see choirs of angels. I want to marry it in a civil service wearing a Vera Wang (Wang! hehe) gown and then go to a Sandles resort in Jamaica with it and walk in on it making out with a cocktail waitress and then go on Maury Povich and say "Maury! My cauliflower chea'ed on me on my HONEYMOON MAURY!"

Please to also get the mango martini and the pistachio kulfi.

My cauliflower chea'ed on me on my Honeymoon, Maury. If that's not a classic restaurant review then I don't know what is. (Wang!). So, you know, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or something.

—Amy Blair