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The Week in Yelp: God Bless Birthdays

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes Eater's newest feature: The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

2008_01_yelp.jpgBecause it's my mom, there is a soccer ball in my parents' house that was autographed by Pope John Paul II. The exact origins of this mysterious bit of Catholic weirdness are hazy to me (she talks, I drift off to sleep), but I am pretty sure that it involves a distant relative who works for the Vatican, a visiting soccer team, and possibly someone from Scotland delivering the ball to my mother (your guess is as good as mine). Neither a soccer fan nor a particularly avid Catholic, I'm not entirely sure why this specific gift was sent her way. However, I am fairly certain that this is the only piece of Pope-autographed athletic equipment my mother owns. Anywho! There's a new Pope in town, and I hear that Ol' Popey is celebrating his birthday this week during his first trip to America as Grand Poobah. I don't know for sure but I'm just guessing that he probablyyy celebrated with a lap dance contest at Lucky Cheng's. I dunno. Just guessing?

My whole family came here for my dad's birthday and it was AMAZING!!!! The show was great - there were 3 girls, 2 Asian with gorgeous costumes, and it lasted for an hour. There about 9 beautiful waitresses in drag, plus a bartender and some dancers. The whole place was like a show. The food was fantastic - we had the family style meal and I would definitely recommend the calamari and the salmon in the sesame crust. My dad won the lapdance contest. Now he is talking about bringing his mother for her birthday, but I don't want to see my grandma in a lapdance contest. OMG
OMG is right. I can think of few things more horrifying than being forced to watch my dad participate in a lap dance contest at a drag bar. Oh yeah, right, being forced to watch my grandma participate in the same contest. Oh god. So horrible.

And if that makes me a prude, than I prude I be.

Actually, the one thing possibly more horrible is the idea of sex in the bathroom at Cheap Shots. Seriously, there are a lot of places to have sex in the world. This bathroom is not one of them.

I'm not sure why I always end up here. It's definitely a dive, typically full of straight NYU types downing shot after shot cause they are.. wait for it... CHEAP. Yes, the shots are cheap, and THAT is probably why I always end up here!

Bonus points because on my birthday the only other queer person in the bar tried to have sex with me in the bathroom.
If you have never experienced Cheap Shots, believe me, there is pee EVERYWHERE in this bathroom. But hey, it’s your birthday! Why not do it in someone else’s urine? I once made out with a dude on my birthday whom I was CERTAIN was Barry White. So, ya know, to each his own.

If that doesn’t float your boat, why not just steal Mr. Goldfish’s birthday cake?

again a great time whent twice in one week....
there was 2 birthday parties going on last week....so im eating cake and there like how do you know Mr. Goldfish......I don't know him I just met him tonight...."have another piece!" .....all very freindly had a lot of fun....

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Visited on 9/4/07 again 9/18/07
ok no yelpers to be found but still had a blast!

things you may not know about the Griffin:

Bathroom has over five feet between Urinals! = a good place

Daulphine? Is the best Bar tender I've found in LA! put up with my questions and found me my new favorite drink....toped off drinks, told good stories to customers...good stuff (she is now gone but the rest of the staff is good)

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this is the bar, That by randomly talking to strangers. I met butterchecks who helped me discover this site...

not much more can be said about this bar then hasn't been said...I'll try a little...

It was tuesday night I had a meeting there at 8pm so I got there when they opened, but by the tim eI left there at little affter midnight there was a good crowd there...
YEAH! They Had both Desorono and Hypno!. the one mixed drink I had was good and strong. The bartendor was nice..didn't remember who I was at the end of the night but my bill was cheaper then I thought it would be so happy about that..It had good eclectic music and it was not too loud to talk to people...and people where freindly enough to talk...Greet ambiance if Im ever on the east side or if theres another yelp get together I'll certanly go back...

Wow, Disaronno AND Hpnotiq? Two things if I ever order at a bar, please feel free to punch me in the face. Also, you stole someone’s birthday cake? That’s low, man. That’s low.

And last but not least, some painful birthday memories?

Painful...memories...of...Benihana.

I like sass and class, which is far from what Benihana's has to offer. Unfortunately, when you fall in love with a guy who grew-up in Walnut Creek. Well, let's just say to him Benihana was the perfect "type" of "Japanese" food. Anyway, we would always go here. It's fun when the chef winks at you and flicks the shrimp tails into his hat or pocket. Or when you sculpts the fried rice into a heart and then makes it "beat". Aside from that, thank God it was on his tab, because it's so blah blah blah.

Anyway, one time that bastard decided we would celebrate my big 2-0 at Benihana's with both our families. My mother and I arrive to see that the BF's father, mother, two brothers and sister have already been seated. Where was Kevin? Oh, you know, HE WAS STANDING ME UP.

I GOT STOOD UP AT BENIHANA'S ON MY BIRTHDAY BY MY BOYFRIEND.

Lesson learned: Benihana sucks. Boyfriends who eat at Benihana's get dumped. And no one else gets to say where we eat for my birthday.

Once, on my birthday I fell out of a chair while eating a cheese sandwich at 4:30 in the morning. Just tipped over and landed right on the floor! I guess that’s not quite as bad as getting dumped at a Benihana in front of both of your families, but hey, at least they sculpted the rice into a tiny broken heart for you, and you know what? That’s sass and class to me.

Anyway, happy birthday, Popety Pope. Now will someone please give Mr. Goldfish some freaking birthday cake?

—Amy Blair

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