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The Week in Yelp: The Train Wreck Called Bachelorette Parties

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From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

2008_01_yelp.jpgWhat's more tragic than a group of grown-ass women out in public wearing veils, plastic penis necklaces and "Suck for a buck" t-shirts while pounding lemon drop shots at some hideous club? Especially when you consider the fact that their husbands and boyfriends are at the bachelor party down the street getting hummers from hookers. Really, it just breaks my heart.

Well, at least this chick had fun at her FIRST time bachelorette party at Karma (wait, not just fun – crazily FUN!). So simple, yet?so very happy. Kinda like a puppy! A drunken Korean puppy?

all my friends know, I HATE smoking with passion..
I know.. I am a drunken Korean girl.. BUT smoking is not my fetish at all..

few weeks ago, I went Karma for a CRAZY bachelorette party..
I am telling you.. it was my FIRST time bachelorette party ever..
after swiping the ID through the bouncer's card reader, I couldn't see and breath inside.. the place was full of smoking cloud and smell.. but as I told u, it was my FIRST time bachelorette party.. and I was strangely curious about it...

except me, all the girls knew to play with Hookah.. so.. me had to learn the way to inhale + exhale through it.. Apple flavor Hookah was hilariously delicious! felt weired.. but yes, it was my FIRST time bachelorette party! and I was figuring out the FIRST time Hookah..

during other girls' lots of shots (no worry I had way too much shots too!) and drunken songs (they had a Karaoke stage), I was still playing with Hookah.. drinks were strong enough, singers (especially Kudos on Missy Minnie) were crazy enough, and bouncer + bartender + wait staffs (*Hottie Alert*) were cute enough! do I need to say more? it was my FIRST time bachelorette party and FIRST time Hookah..

it was crazily FUN night!
and again, my FIRST time bachelorette party and FIRST time Hookah!
I loooooooooooooved it!

Wait, so this girl has been to lots of bachelorette parties before, right? Yiiiiikes. Anyway, I’m glad that our heroine had an opportunity to “play” with a hookah for the first time and really learn the pleasures of a smoking fetish. She is, after all, a drunken Korean girl. And I’m also glad to hear that the wait staffs at Karma are cute enough. Hottie alert!! Holla!!

So, you know, I’d probably rather slowly eat a plate of glass than spend a night at Club Bang, but then again I’m of legal drinking age and getting freaked from behind by teenage boys lost its thrill for me during the early part of the Clinton administration. So, ya know.

This place is good times, man.

My girls and I headed out to Club Bang for my bachelorette party. We weren't into seeing some sausage fest at a strip club - we just wanted to have a kick a** time, and we sure did!

We had a limo for the night, so I will spare you the pictures of what went on in the limo (a lot of hootin' and hollerin' on the freeway and um...otherstuffthatididntdosodontblameme kind of pix). This yelp isn't about the limo ride though, so whatever.

Anyway, we got to the club 10 minutes after the time that we were going to be able to use our $5 off coupon, which sucked. We blamed our limo driver, but they didn't care - and why should they? We were over it, it was only $5 and we just wanted to get in because the vibe you could feel from outside the club was INTENSE.

When we got in, we immediately hit the line for the women's bathroom. The bathroom attendant in there was a mean, older woman who was sitting there, constantly yelling "Hurry your ass up, there are other women who gotta take a piss, you know!". NO ONE thought she was rude though, it was hilarious! There were only 3 stalls, so it was kinda tight, and it was intimidating because the door to the bathroom was propped wide open, so people waiting in the hallway (girls AND guys) could see you in your stall, if they just angled themselves right.

We got out to the dance floor in the British Pop room that was PACKED, but we found a spot for ourselves near the stage. There were no bad vibes that night - everyone was really friendly and we were having a great time. We then moved over to the 80's room, which, I think, they should devote more space to. It was fun in there, but they were playing a lot of songs that you couldn't really dance to - but you knew all the words to them, 'cause hey, they're 80's songs! We then made our way over to the last room which had hip hop and some newer stuff (booty music and the like). This was the most fun room and we spent most of our time in there. We stuck close together though because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US was getting freaked from behind and it was kinda gross, but made for some good stories later!

The drinks were pretty good - really strong! I don't usually drink, but I made an exception that night. Prices were what I assume to be average ($8 for an Adios, $5 for a shot of Patron), and it was helpful that they gave wristbands to those of us who were OVER 21 so that we didn't have to keep pulling our ID out.

I just have to say that this scene isn't really my scene at all - but I came with the right girls - they made it the BEST bachelorette party in the world. Club Bang is a good time, and I can't wait to go again!

Wait, you went to a club with a $5 coupon? What? Really? Where did you even get such a thing, the Penny Saver?

Next up, a nominee for San Francisco’s most awesome bouncer...

Terribles experience from my OWN bachelorette Party on 9-22-07.

I have couple issues with this club:

1) It was my bachelorette party and we brought 1 blow up male "P" and 1 fun male blow up doll, the bouncer wouldn't let us in with that. After hassling another 15 minutes going back and forth with the limo to put these fun bachelorette boys back, we finally got to the door steps of the clubs.

2) One young Filipino mean looking bouncer wouldn't let my personal photographer in. I hired this personal photographer to take pictures of MY OWN bachelorette party. It's NONE of the Suite 181's business. The FF bouncer with VERY RAGED & MEAN and yelled at my photographer to check his professionally camera in with the shady COAT CHECK! Are you kidding me? How can this be reasonable to ask someone to put his expensive professional camera into the "little shady everyone can easily reach" coat rack. Even the coat check girl said to me that "Sorry, and I never have anyone checked in camera before and I didn't know what to do." So we refused to check in our valuable camera and told the FF bouncer that we just won't use the camera around the club and we rather keep the camera in of my gf's purse then walked away. Then the FF bouncer madly chased us down to the dance floor and yelled again: "Where is the F**king camera?, You have to check in the F**king camera or get out of the club." At that moment, I think this FF bouncer totally RUIN my night of the bachelorette Party at Suite 181!! I asked him who said we have to check in our cameras, there are 100+ other people with their digital point and shoot camera inside the club taking pictures at the same time, then why can't I use my own? I do NOT see a problem with using mine, it's my own business. Then I asked the FF bouncer who told him that we couldn't use our own camera, then he said the Management said so, and wouldn't say his manager's name. Then he kept grabbing my photographer's arm and pushing him with FORCE to get out the club. THAT'S VERY RUDE and our photographer has been politely to explain the situation through out the whole time. At that moment, I was TOTALLY PISSED!!!!!! So, the 12 of us (HOT GIRLS + 1 photographer) hopped back on the limo and went to Taboo (Glass Kat) instead. We made a pack and will NEVER go back to this club EVER again!!! That's too bad, we brought a load of cash with us to spend inside the club we originally plan on getting bottles and stuff, it's too bad that this FF bouncer just made us to spend our cash else where like in Glass Kat. That just STUPID for kicking us out and BAD for your suite 181 clubbing business!!!!!!!!

3) Ok, fine, the FF bouncer wants us to leave, then we try to leave, but stupid FF bouncer DUDE wouldn't let us to go from the front door and wants us to use the back door. What's the point for leaving in the back door anyway? That's just plain DUMB!!!

4) Club is in a shady super GHETTO neighborhood and this club thinks they are all THAT and tries to be high class! Drinks are expensive too! I give them the middle finger for kicking us out for just being polite!! You can't be HIGH CLASS at all being in such bad neighborhood and have your bouncer staff yelling to us with profanities!

I HIGHLY DO NOT recommend going this club if you are planning a bachelorette Party!

If you didn’t already know, this is why you do not go to a club with a “fun” male blow-up doll, a blow-up male "P" and a fucking professional photographer. Kudos to this “FF” bouncer for doing what needed to be done?escorting them out the back door.

And last but not least, ten girls leaping out of a Hummer limo and charging the place hog wild. Is somebody getting married, you say??!!

AKA - The Garden Tavern...

The good old stomping ground for FIT students and such...
Imagine 10 girls... mostly all FIT Alumni, leaping out of a Hummer Limo and charging the place hog wild! Is somebody getting married, you say??!! Bachelorette Party in effect!

Yep, this was just last Saturday. This was our spot almost 10yrs ago and look at us now! I thought the underagers were going to cry when we took over the back portion of this bar... We didn't stay long and I cant even remember if I ordered a beer but whatever the case we danced our pants off and no one got sick.. there at least!

Thanks Tempest...
I'll always know you as the Garden Tavern and still don't trust your tap lines...

Oh, ladies. There are better ways to celebrate that last night of sweet, sweet freedom. Might I suggest a nice plate of glass, perhaps?

—Amy Blair