The Week in Yelp: On Drunken Reviewing

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I can tell, the most ridiculous part about Yelp is the so-called "talk threads." As absurd and unhelpful as so many of the user-generated reviews are concerned, ok, at least I get them. In theory. Sort of? But the talking element? Yikes. As if people need more forums to complain about really, really boring shit.

For the most part I usually ignore the talking component of the site because, you know, I like to stay awake and stuff, but a recently proposed topic caught my eye. Drunk reviewing! It's like drunk dialing except, like, a thousand times nerdier and nobody ever gets laid. Oh, Yelp.

Hi Yelpaholics. I am wondering if others have noticed that there are a few ... thankfully just a few... Yelpers who seem to be reviewing while drunk. Who cares about "drunk dialing" and even "drunk emailing," now the new epidemic is drunk reviewing. I don't want to single any Yelper or review out, but in general, the reviewer has only like 3 or 4 reviews, he/she misspells about 25% or more words, and after reading it, you're itching to review the reviewer!

There are no threads about this phenomenon so far. The only thread that even comes close is: "Share your drunk-jerk-at-the-bar stories!" which by the way, was quite a funny thread. Maybe you can find a drunk review out there, or already know of one.

Ok, talk:

I am regretting this already, but ok, I'll bite. This first boozy review is from a dude who has just returned from a date at Martuni’s, is drunk off of raspberry martinis, utilizes the word “bonkers,” and ALMOST made it through the entire review without showing his drunken colors. Well, you’ll see?

the PERFECT place to take a date. thanks, helice!

check this out. they have a piano in the back, where people can be romantic and sing on and make everyone else in the place feel like they're in 1925 or sum shit. the decor is classy, the bar is classy, its a perfect place to take a girl because its so ambient, you can hear each other talk for chrissakes.

also, its full of extremely friendly gay people, and chicks go bonkers over that for some reason. the bartenders are nice, and they even have WAITERS that come and take your drink orders.

i had the raspberry martini ($7), and if raspberry is not your thing they have literally about 2 dozen other things on their drinks list that you can order.

they dont make them all wussed out and watered down, either.... im still drunk from the raspberry concoction as of this writing.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

mustache! :-{

How many emails I have signed off with the word “mustache,” exclamation point, sad face emoticon?I can’t even tell you.

Anyway, this next chick at Westwood's O'Hara's seems to think that people drinking and dancing look like they’re having sex on the floor. Call me cah-razy, but I just don’t see it.

drunk yelping was inspired by the food slut.

the funny thing is i've never met him, but nonetheless he is the inspiration for me not waiting for the moring when i am sober.

i love watching pp drinking and danceing like they're having sex on the floor.

happy that i broke 3 ppl's sex on the beach cherry. lol here you go justin chris!!!!!!! i fucking finally yelped! be proud of me and i got my ass away from the monotony!

anyways. good drinks. cool, chill atmosphere.had a fucking blast dancing my ass off!

Drinking Sex On The Beach and then going home to post on Yelp?ahh, that’s what I call Getting My Ass Away from the Monotony. Indeed. Well, at least Justin Chris!!!!!! will be proud.

And finally, a drunk reviewer from N.Y.dirtyC. takes on La Linea...

A rags to riches type o' place...I started haunting it in 2000...secured more than one job at this east village/lower east side joint(walks that fine line...) over pints of brew and shit talking. I owe my whole art handling career to La Linea & DJ Super Dave...haha!

*Disclaimer:
Super drunk, BTW, right now but still in control!*

If she's still there, Gwen is one of the sweetest persons/bartenders you'll ever meet...share your thoughts on books music & culture with her if that's your thing and she's bout it-bout it. "Gwen..thanks for allowing this drunk-ass to lay my passed out head on your bar without question."

It took a turn for the worse when they decided to remodel it and make it a "complete" lounge. Would have gotten 4 stars if they didn't gas their own heads up and try to be what they aren't...Bouncers turned super velvet rope and I, a loyal patron, was forced back into the mainstream of paying customers, thanks to video cameras placed by the management, it became a 1942'ish establishment after that point.

I loved that it was a place that I, and others, could call a second living room even though on the weekends it was super bridge & tunnel. Not sure what it's like now but the tenders were cool as a New York spring. It's a great local spot to get your drink on and hear nuff white label hip-hop to make your stiff friends say "let's go to LimeLight"...sucKas!

A special place will forever be reserved in this kid's heart for his favorite new york call girl, La Linea. She was always there when I knocked on her door.

Signing off...NaNKing...live, or delayed, from Sugar Hill Harlem, N.Y.dirtyC.

Oh, right, video cameras. How absolutely 1942-ish. Anyway, note to self: If ever offered a job by a man who calls himself DJ Super Dave?run. Oh, NaNKing – you may be super drunk, but at least you’re still in control.

Mustache! :(

—Amy Blair