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The Week In Yelp: Let's Play "Who's The Bigger Dick?"

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From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

2008_01_yelp.jpgHere's a fun game I just made up. It's called "Who's The Bigger Dick?!?" Here's how it works. A bunch of doofy Yelpers write reviews based on how some maitre d'/bartender/waiter acted like a dick to them. Then, based on their review, we decide who the real dick was – the customer writing the review, or the server in question. It's like being a detective, except without all the dead bodies piling up all around us and the drinking on the job (I watch The Wire, I know how these things work). It's Yelpers versus restaurant workers in the battle of the dicks – can anyone guess who is going to win this contest?

Play along at home, kids!

First up, The Carnelian Room inspires anger in someone describing himself as “usual cherry happy go lucky awesome.” Based on that alone, I think we already know who the dick here was, but let’s continue on with the exercise anyway?

First off, how do you give negative stars?

If Possible, please revise java script to include--kthxbye...

Why the hostility from my usual cherry happy go lucky awesome self? I'd like to mention that in my 31 years on this planet, I have never walked out of a restaurant *after* ordering... Nor, have I have ever gotten near blows with the maitre d'.

Yet--I have accomplished both in one sitting and an hour ordeal at the famed Carnelian Room. I will tell my story, accurately as possible, as I don't like to embellish, nor do I want to sway anyone from eating at this deathtrap, rat infested, hell hole POS they call a restaurant..

So I was in SF with a friend checking out spas, when the famed Carnelian Room was being tossed around as a possible dinner locale.. Never been there, never heard too much, but eating above 50+ floors should be cool, eh? If the food was bad, at the very least I can pretend to get sick and do fake gag reflexes during dinner right? Oh the fun that can be had! The time was 5pm and I called them to see about availability.. Not surprisingly, they had an open spot at 8pm.

Upon arrival, I can see the maitre d' (d is for dick) was not amused by our super cultoure attire.. I guess my $150 AG's, $250 Y-3 top, with my $20 sneakers did not qualify for his best dressed list... My friend was a female, so it should not matter what she was wearing, unless she was naked.. oh wait.

Anyways, right off the bat, the d (dick) made us wait, despite an empty restaurant.. When I asked to be seated near a window, he bucked down and with a tone of attitude, said verbatim, "Those seats are for more important customers that made reservations.."

At this point, I was getting annoyed, but not to the point of walking out, since I figure, he was probably jealous of my $20 sneakers.

When seated, he basically gave us the worse possible table.. I mean, it's the one right in front of the kitchen doors, and next to the garbage can and dead rats. It was *that* bad.

Sensing at this point, that my friend was uncomfortable, I tried to make light of the situation, by being my usual jovial self, but that only works soo much.. I decided to have a little talk with the dick again.

"Excuse me kind sir, I noticed that we have been here for approximately 20mins, and those extra 10 tables you have by the windows have still not been taken. Is it possible to move us to one of those free tables? Despite being Chinese, I am a very generous tipper!"

His response nearly made me break out the blade from my sheath..

"Uh NO! You're lucky I gave you a table--We do have a dress code you know!"

At this point, I was very upset.. You can make fun of my $150 jeans, my $250 top, but don't mess with my $20 sneakers.. I hurried back to our table, told me friend that we're leaving and I will never step foot here again.. My friend happily obliged.

On the way out, I went up to dick and told him he made a huge mistake.. I was right about to order the Dom, but now I will never be back and tell all my foodie friends about this rat hole.. He yelled back to me, "well, you're never welcome back here!!"

I exchanged one final "pwned" look with him, and yelled out, "fifth floor rules!" as I ran out.

On my way out, I noticed the reservation sheet on the dick table, and I did what you think I was going to do.

I took it.

I took it, but I could see in the corner of my eye that I was seen taking it by an employee, and as I hurriedly pressed the elevator call button, my adrenaline was in full kick...

The elevator door finally opens and I pound lobby and close door repeatedly like I was playing track and field on the NES.

Just as the dick comes running to us, and just like in the movies, the door closes right on his face, with his arm nearly inside the elevator door.

As the 50 flight ride down, was the longest ride in elevator history!

Just as we reach ground level, the door opens and my friend and I run to the nearest exit.. As I am running to the exit, the 2nd elevator opens up and the dick starts yelling for security. I cleverly dispose of the reservation paper at the nearest trash can.

And again, just like in the movies, we were stopped by the biggest security guard i've ever seen. His hand was the size of my head (on a side note, does he pay more for gloves? Anyone know?) At this point, the dick arrives and says I stole something and he wants it back. I told him I have noting, and I am more than happy to strip down. I do the reverse pocket trick only to reveal my money clip with one dollar bills on the outside ha!

We go head to head at this point, and he says he can have me arrested for stealing, and I said I can have him arrested for being a dick. Sensing I am not going anywhere with this, I point to him the trash can where I threw out the paper. He fetches it like a dog, and I leave.

If you don't believe my story, you can hear it from the dicks mouth.

Just call them and ask for the dick.

Ok, so the description of his “super cultoure attire” which consists of jeans and cheap sneakers makes me really happy. But what makes me even happier is that he steals the reservations list as he leaves, and then runs away like a scared little girl, stuffs it in a trash can downstairs, and then immediately gives it up the second he is confronted by a security guard. It’s just sad! Dude, if you’re going to make a bold move such as this, you swallow the friggin’ reservations list in the elevator on the way down. Like I always say, go big or go home. Round one of the biggest dick contest definitely goes to the customer. And to think, he was just about to order the Dom!

Next up, a “bitter psychopath” bartender at Overtime Sports Bar and Grill versus a Chicago Bears fan who thinks it is the bartender’s responsibility to move around all of the furniture so that she can see the television better.

This is what happened when my sister and I went to go get brunch and watch the Bears game. We walked into the place and it was empty except for like 5 people. 2 were watching the Raiders game in the front, and the remaining 3 were standing in the back watching the bears game. I say standing, because the booths and chairs were in such disarray that they couldn't sit and watch the tv. We asked the bartender to change on of the other TVs to the bears game, and he flatly refused and was a total dick about it. We then asked him to move the furniture in the back so we could sit and watch the bears game. He came back, angrily banged the furniture around and left it such that we STILL couldn't sit. At that point we left. As we were walking back to my car to find an establishment NOT run by a bitter psychopath, I realized that the bartender not only drove away 2 of his 7 customers, he chased TWO WOMEN out of a sports bar. What the fuck.

They also don't appear to serve coffee.

I would give this place zero stars if I could.

HA! She went into a bar and ordered COFFEE during a football game and she wonders why the bartender could care less whether she stays or goes? That is just so?precious! Also, if there was nobody there to disturb, why couldn’t she just move her own damn chair so that she could see the game? Fancy that, once again this round goes to the Yelper.

Next up, the most horrible couple in the universe get mad at Sushi Dan. Seriously, I truly hate this couple.

for a good long while i've been content to keep my contempt of sushi dan to myself. i walk by the spot on the regular b/c i'm a crunch member and was fine by ignoring sushi dan just as i do cpk. not my scene, not my style of preparation, i'm a sushi snob, there was really no point in yelping about sushi dan.

that all changes today. so fuck you, sushi dan. i hope your next dozen shipments of toro are full of worms. and after the lack of respect you showed towards artists i hope your establishment never gets visited by any person with any artistic ability whatsoever.

i was at the gym yesterday for a yoga session, gf in tow. since the lady isn't into down-dogs and corpse poses she brought a hoop and some sounds to find an isolated spot in the plaza. while refining her skills as a master hoop dance performer, the security guard tells her that the manager of sushi dan (let's call him sushi dick) complained and demands that she stop hooping.

first off, sushi dick, what the fuck does a girl hooping have to do with mediocre sushi? to be honest you should be grateful that a hot female is dancing nearby to distract your customers from the miserable service, as evidenced by the comments of numerous yelpers. sushi dick, if your service is so bad, wouldn't it be worth while checking in on your customers as opposed to peering around the corner and fabricating complaints about something that is 100 yards away?

kiss my balls, sushi dan. and sushi dick can go ahead and give me a rusty trombone while you two are down there.

Do we even need to talk about who the bigger dick was here? The dude is doing yoga while his girlfriend is across the street doing something called “hoop dancing” in a restaurant’s courtyard. If I were that security guard I would have just punched this chick in her fat, hooping face. And that’s why I’m not a security guard.

And finally, an anti-semite visits Ben’s Kosher Delicatessen. Hilarity ensues.

I have a bone to pick with the waiter. I've been here a couple of times and well, I get the whole Kosher thing. Yeah, kind of boring but whatever. Anyway, asked the lady (who works across the street) to meet me here for a quick lunch. I know delis like to get you in and out so they can turn over the food...so I suggested Ben's. I figured she would want a salad or something of that variety. Anyway, she saw an omlet on the menu and really wanted one. Asked about cheese...the waiter totally SNAPPED at her that it is a "Kosher" restaurant. I wonder if my foot up his old ass would be Kosher, or just Kosher style. Dick. Anyway, she wound up ordering a potato pancake for which the guy was telling her how small it was. Granted, her phone just broke so she was upset, but dickfore didn't have to add to it. My pastrami on rye was "ok", meaning I've completely had better.

I really suggest that if the guys here do not want to work..they shouldn't. I refuse to go back in that place. Perhaps the Jewish population that works/runs the place should be aware that non-Jews who may not be fully aware of the Kosher designations and dietary laws can be talked to, not spat at.

God would not approve.

I can’t decide if my favorite part is when he says “I get the whole kosher thing” with his snot-faced attitude, or when he assumes that his lunch date will order “a salad or something of that variety” simply because she’s female. Anti-semitism AND sexism?nice! I also really like how it’s the “Jewish population” at fault here for not being nicer to idiot hipsters who just don’t understand why asking for a little bacon with their latkes is too much to ask.

And there you have it, folks, in the battle of the biggest dicks, the Yelpers went 4 for 4. I know, you’re all totally shocked, right?

—Amy Blair

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