The Week In Yelp: On Clubbing and Yelper Debauchery

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

I live my life in a perpetual state of swearing off stupid behavior, then slipping up and participating in said sworn off behavior, enjoying the stupid behavior, and then feeling like shit afterwards. It's an awesome cycle. However, one very, extremely dumb activity that I really do swear I will never be suckered into participating in ever again is clubbing. Me and clubs, we're through. It's not that I ever even liked clubs beyond the age of, like, nineteen. It's just that I drink too much and then someone convinces me that it's a good idea to waste half my paycheck at some crappy, loud moron-magnet, dancing to Soulja Boy and drinking $15 appletinis. I cry just thinking about it.

But who am I to tell you what to do with your life? If you're really into the club scene, here are some fantastic recommendations from the good people of Yelp which should certainly help to guide you to the hottest hot spots in town. Or not.

First up, the reason why being a bouncer is fun! Because it’s perfectly within the rights of your job description to punch a douchebag like this in his fat douchebag face at Vanguard in Hollywood?

Why you should go: The BEST deep house music in LA, period, hands down. Easy-breezy crowd, no attitudes, just good times and dancing. Marques mutha'f'ing Wyatt...enough said.

Why you shouldn't go: Bouncers are tools (they wouldn't let me use the bathroom as the club was closing - so I pissed right outside). Drinks are pricey.

You know what else is easy-breezy? Pissing outside of a club to get revenge on a bouncer. Nice!

Next, how to tell if a woman is on the prowl?if she steals your spot while you’re at the urinal, and then kicks you in the shin before hooking up with another dude on the dance floor, you totally know she wants it, bro.

On 5-30-08 I went to the 3 Clubs. Now, I use to go to a club that used to be next store upstairst that is now Wild Card Boxing Gym. This was 23 years ago. I noticed this place about 6 years ago and decided to check it out with T. It is cool and some weird non-sense happened. We arrived at 11:45 and bought two drinks. The drinks are good and the price is industry standard. T and myself were just kicking it near the entrance to the dance club. I went to the urinal and when I came back, there stood in my place an Asian female very petite with blonde hair. I thought she was talking to my buddy, but T said" she just jumped in your spot. I tried to make eye contact, but she avoided it, so screw that!!! All of a sudden she bolts out of the spot and kicks me in the leg and elbows me in the arm. I realized she was on the prowl because 5 minutes later she hooked up with this dude in the middle area. All in all this place is cool. Dance floor on one side and cool dive lounge on the other. I heard Dead Kennedy's and other punk music. The dance side played all kinds of music from 70's to 2008 mixes.

Up next, the peculiar popularity of a dirty club filled with, gasp!, GANGSTA TYPES!!! (Oh, the horror!)?

The dancing area is SOOO dark and stuffy! Everything in the bar feels sticky and seems dirty... The crowd was strange, lots of gangsta types hanging about. I don't know - it was a shabby little place. I don't understand why everyone raves about it. I guess if you have friends who go there regularly, it could be fun (but can't that be said of any bar??). In my opinion Akbar is overrated.

Here’s a review of the worstest club ever!! They actually let in a chubby girl in a magenta dress. Dis-gusting! If they expect you to shell out a whole twenty bucks, they better not expect you to have to look at uglies. Go to Mansion instead – at least there you can err, speak French with some hotties. Because practicing your high school level French at a club isn’t nerdy at all.

The crowd here sucks.

No really, they SUCK. I don't know why places like this aren't more selective. With a $20 cover charge, you should only be letting in those with looks and clothing worthy enough of the cover charge. Sorry to sound like a snob, but that girl that got in the other night in a magenta and black dress that she was lumping out of (didn't you look in the mirror?) really would have fit in better at Woolworths.

I'm not paying $20 to dance with myself, is all I'm sayin.

Anyway, the dj is good. Really good, and actually mixes and plays lots of songs! It's a real non-stop party mix so I have to give props where props are due. It is exciting to hear a good dj in New York City these days which is incredibly sad, but no, Cain made me happy for this reason alone!

I almost like Mansion better because I'm bound to speak French with at least a few people there. Everyone at Cain is either from Long Island or New Jersey which is just not cool enough for me (desolée!).

And last but not least, a tried and true barometer of a party’s popitude: drunk lesbians dancing on the pool table, of course!

I don't hate house music, but I don't like it either. I go for the women. Drift has a great vibe, and I was surprised at how easy it was to dance and get into those wordless, repetitive electro beats. You know it's really poppin when the pool table's been turned into a stage for a crowd of drunk, dancing lesbians...

I’m way too old for this shit.

—Amy Blair