The Week In Yelp: The American Splendor of Yelpers

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

The best part about Independence Day is an opportunity for pure, unbridled patriotism in all its glorious forms. I said to my boyfriend last night, "I'm thinking of wearing this red and white striped t-shirt with a pair of blue shorts on the 4th of July. Do you think that's a good idea?" To which he responded "I think that's an excellent idea!" An excellent idea, indeed, sonny boy. I truly love the 4th -- Barbeques, fireworks, drinking too much Drambuie and getting in a fistfight with your brother. Good times! So you can imagine my delight upon finding these Yelp review of none other than?America!

Review #1:

AMERICA- Fuck yeah!

Review #2:

Fuck yeah!

Review #3:

Ok, enough with the Team America quotes, lol

I love America.....it sucks, but there aren't many better options. lol

Remember, criticizing America, our military strategy, our politicians. and the gov't is patriotic, not the other way around.

This is truly why Yelp is the best. They actually reviewed AMERICA. (You can't make this shit up). Anyway, in honor of our country's independence, this week I bring you the best of the American restaurant reviews?

First up, an open letter to Great American Health Bar, and something about a salad being like a horny bobblehead doll. I don’t understand it either, but it pretty much totally creeps me out. Which also conveniently sums up how I feel about Yelp, in general.

Dear Great American Health Bar (GAHB),

eh ra, your taco salad was pretty good. But if you're so healthy, you might want to consider your portion sizes. The salad rivals my Austin Powers bobblehead figure, and that is a monster, a randy beast.

You take too long for delivery. Its probably because you spend lots and lots of time making sure everything is clean, and that the falafel is carefully made. Which is was. And it was good, and it was pure. A little more salt or pizazz would have helped though.

The problem with health food places I feel is they don't put enough into it, and it ends up tasting uninteresting and underwhelming. I suggest Eva's on 8th street for health food and power food. Its good stuff. Oh the pump ain't so bad either.

Next up, a review of Truxtons American Bistro and the greatest abuse of the ellipses I have ever encountered. Dude, there are other forms of punctuation out there. I’m quite fond of the parentheses myself (sorry!). How about a verb? Ever considered one of those? Also, banana wama wama. Enough said?

a true diamond in the rough....hidden on the outskirts of los angeles..easily missed while endlessly driving along manchester....modern..contemporary...hip....sparkl ing bistro near the borders of inglewood and los angeles....hunger was my inner gps that miraculously brought me here...

slow cooked briskets...tangy mild bbq sauce.....roughly chopped coleslaw...mash potato....comforts the hunger in your soul...decent food....at par, but diversity of selection main focus...and actually all decent in taste....

banana wama wama....towering wall of cinnamon and sugar coated deep fried flat spring roll wrap....dividing..seperating the vanilla ice cream mounds on one half.....and spring roll wrapped banana halves deep fried and oh so satisfying.....big enough for 4 or more....

truxton sports large fully stocked bar....wine for the winos...beer for the men...lew, the bartender.....this ultra modern bistro is a true diamond in the rough...

Here’s a review of the American Girl Café which I believe could be submitted into court as evidence of justifiable homicide in some states. Although, the “outraged” price of those cookies kind of makes me gleeful.

I came here with my daughter and a friend of ours and her daughter.
They are 4 years old. We were going to just sit around and watch them having a good time eating a few tiny cookies for the outraged price of $20.00 for each girl.
The waitresses bring the staff to our table without asking us if we all wanted to eat (the doll portions of the dry sandwiches) once we said we just wanted the girl to have tea they were going to charge us, the parents, $10.00 each to just sit there!!!
When you read the menu on the American girl site dose not say anything about that.
There is no program.
VERY disappointing.

And finally, American Cupcake, a bride I’d like to punch, and doodie. That pretty much sums it up.

cupcakes usually make me happy, but these made me sad! :(

after reading the rave reviews on Yelp, i was really looking forward to having these made as our wedding cupcakes. they come in all sizes, mini, regular, and even GIANT! (for the cake cutting part!)

we tried chocolate-chocolate, chocolate-vanilla, and vanilla-vanilla! the vanilla-based cake was moist enough, but the chocolate cake was dryer and harsher than i expected. maybe something about the cocoa. on both counts, we loooooved her frosting. consistently light and fluffy and in Devin's signature doodie shape. teehee!

because Devin was wonderful to work with and as excited about cupcakes as me, i would order her different flavors again for a birthday or shower. maybe we got a freak batch, but for our wedding, we need *exactly* what we're looking for -- which wasn't here i'm afraid.

be sure to give her a ring to confirm on the day of - just in case! don't want her rushing those cupcakes and giving you a freak batch like we had! xP

till next time doodie cupcakes!

Happy 4th of July, everyone. America rulz.

—Amy Blair