The Week In Yelp: The United States of Overweights

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

The Week In Yelp comes to you live this week from the friggin' Grand Canyon. No shit! I'm currently just about midway through a good old fashioned American road trip (and feeling more than a little bit like Ellen Griswold). What I have realized is that there is nowhere to get a pedicure within a thousand miles of this place (like oh.my.gawd), I may have broken my ankle, it's insanely beautiful here, oh, and, Americans are, basically, the fattest freaking people on earth. I don't mean to be an asshole, and I'm certainly no supermodel myself, but really. Americans -- total fatties!

So, in honor of America the beautiful, this one goes out to everyone with a bit too much junk in the trunk...goooo America!

First up, a super fat ass named Ricky who likes big, fat sandwiches, is slightly uncomfortable (in a good way!) among Spanish-speakers, and, because he lives in San Francisco he's just going to "sack up and order." Why not? It's San Francisco!

SO SO SO TASTY!!!
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Ricky, a BIG FAT ASS who wants a BIG FAT ASS sandwich (well put Boxxman, well put). Now, at least, I'm a FULLER and FATTER FAT ASS, which is good news for everyone. I just had a divine torta from Tortas Boos Voni.

This place is legit. It's the type of place that I like because when I walk in, there's only Spanish being spoken, and it makes me a little uncomfortable because I feel left out. But that's why I live in SF, so I sack up and order. Everyone is polite and friendly.
The bread is soft on the inside, crisp on the outside and buttery all over, fully complimenting the panoply of flavors that is this place's torta. I had half of the Cuban and the Hawaiian and I'd recommend both. The Cuban had a distinct earthy, meaty flavor, kinda smoky, kinda reminded me of comfort-food sausage. The Hawaiian has ham and pineapple in it and a crazy kinda sweet cheese. The salsa verde and roja are delicious and some of the best I've had in San Francisco.

To sum up, I was hungry and instead of being merely satisfied, I had a blissful experience. Thank you Tortas Boos Voni. Maybe someday I will figure out what you're name means.

Next up after that panoply, a very mixed up review of See's Candies from a lady who just can't seem to wrap her mind around the ol' "CHOCOLATE + consuming = FAT" equation. You know that one, right? Oh, and also, she eats two pounds of key lime truffles everyday until she throws up and hates herself. And she wrote about this on Yelp. And it's funny?

Because I'm on a diet, it's important that I stop here frequently to load up on sugar, fat, and self-loathing. This place makes me want to throw up. AFTER eating about 2 lbs of Key Lime Truffles and Peanut Crunches. UGH!!! What is it about the "CHOCOLATE + consuming = FAT" equation that I will never understand? And why do these pants feel so tight all of a sudden? And why are there empty See's wrappers everywhere? Until I get a grip, you can bet I'll be stopping in to munch the pain away and nurse my oh-so-fragile emotions and collect my free sample on a daily basis. Because getting fat never felt so good.
Oh! Minus one point for the gossip-y ladies who work there who are more concerned with their conversation than with helping me gain weight and Minus another star for the whole fat thing.

And then we have a lovely young lass whose inner fat girl fondles her way out of parking tickets for her friends (so nice!), but who loves KFC so much that she's getting too fat to be emo. Yup. Know how that goes.

Friend: We're going to the new taco joint. Let's roll.
Me: *20 minutes later from a meeting and famished* SURE!!! Guess what?! I have cash today!
Friend: oh. We're already here.
Me: ..........oh. Umm. Ok.
Friend: No worries. It was SO good.
Me: ......
Friend: You should take one for the team and try the chipotle chicken from KFC =]
Me:........(ok lunch ditcher. psh)

But let me tell you. I'm a real team player. Need someone to drive you to the airport? Done. Let you crash for the night? Done. Fondle your way out of a traffic ticket? Psh. No worries. I've done more for less.

So when given the task, I obliged. This is actually my favorite KFC. I usually get a 3 piece, a bisquit, fries, and a rasberry ice tea and indulge my inner fat girl. Which means four times a week. Outer fat girl (nom nom nom) is threatening to take over and at this rate I can no longer be emo nor shop at American Apparel. :*(

Fat emos are like fat ice skaters. *cringe*

Enough about my fatty-tales. I don't know why the FUCK I accepted this mission cuz I can't eat spicy. Aside from that, whoa....! The chicken was WAY too dry, loaded with salt, and way too crunchy. *GAG*.

I'm so done with false advertising - see the Carl's Jr Prime Rib review (http://www.yelp.com/bi...)

Have you seen the commercial? "Yum. What's that?" "It's FLAVA"

........ No bitch. It's not. It's called sodium.

Here's a bashing of a pizza joint from a guy who believes he's being made to feel like a fat ass by the "portly" pizza guy for wanting toppings on his pie. Now, I'm not a licensed psychiatrist or anything (heh), but I do know a thing or two about PROJECTING. Hey buddy -- just because the pizza with toppings aren't readily available, doesn't mean that anyone is calling you a fat ass.

Call me high-maintenance (guilty as charged), but I like toppings on my pizza. Lots of them. Interesting ones, in different combinations, and I want them available by the slice. Most cheapo-pizza places seem to understand this. They make lots of different pies in lots of combinations and have them available by the slice to be heated and eaten. This is what I want when I want pizza. Not plain, cheese, regular or whatever you call it.

Sacco, however, does not seem to understand this. Sure, they have toppings, but it becomes a production to get them on your slice because all they have available is pie after pie of cheese. If you want toppings, they cost 75 cents each, and have to be piled raw onto said available cheese sliced and cooked in the oven for what felt like an hour (actual time, 10-15 min, but that's still too long to wait for two slices of pizza!).

Also, I do not want to made to feel like a diva (or a fat ass) for wanting pizza with toppings. The portly, surly pizza guy felt the need to remind me several times that each individual topping cost 75 cents extra when I asked for two different toppings on each slice (sausage & mushroom on one, pepper & onion on the other, if you're curious). When I finally got it, the pizza was pretty good - thin and crispy. But I'll most likely be heading to Fat Sal's when I need a slice or two. At least there they understand me and pizza needs.

And last but surely not least, a "review" of Oren's coffee shop that really says absolutely nothing about the coffee aside from the fact that the guy who works there is fat. Was that really necessary? Mean!

I like that it's fair trade and their employees seem happy. Today I went therr and had a weird experience because the one fat guy who works their that looks like the brother from Good Charlotte could NOT stop coughing on everything. Ewwh! If he's sick he should just stay home.

The reason it get 4 stars is because I don't even notice the service you just get the coffee and go. Which is a good thing!

Welp, on that note, I'm off to Zion National Park. Keep on eating, Americans!

—Amy Blair