The Week In Yelp: What Would Bristol Eat?

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Well, the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, and in this scenario, the cat is big-time knocked up. And of course, the cat is none other than Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s seventeen year old daughter, Bristol (who would have thunk it?). I can’t say that I have any experience in this department. Personally, I wasn’t knockin’ boots until the very tail-end of my teenage years and within about fourteen seconds of finally getting it over with, I told my mom I needed sixty-five bucks for birth control from Planned Parenthood, to which she quickly complied. (God forbid the same cardinal sin should have been committed in the Palin household). But this column is neither about politics nor the wonders of the availability of The Pill. It’s about eating. And there’s a very special teenager in the public spotlight at the moment who just so happens to be eating for two.

So in honor of Ms. Palin and gals everywhere who are in a family way, this week we’re looking at Yelp and wondering?What Would Bristol Eat? (W.W.B.E.?). Here’s to the pregnant ladies of Yelp?

First up, a woman whose husband would have thought she was a TOTAL wackjob for wanting cheese fries and a salad (how wacky!) but since she is pregnant and craving CAH-RAZY things such as olives, he didn’t think it was that weird. Like the lady said, score one for the pregnant chick! (Sorry, but chicks who use pregnancy as an excuse to eat for the first time in their lives really annoy the fuck out of me. Like, oh my gawd, she actually ate cheese fries! What a heifer).

This seems wrong. Very wrong. I like to consider myself a "foodie" and here I am writing a review of Outback. Oh the shame!

But you see...I have an excuse. I am pregnant...and when you are pregnant you crave WEIRD things. For instance...Olives, Funyuns...and on this particular day...Cheese Fries from Outback.

I needed to have the cheese fries. This was no joke. This was a food emergency! I made my husband meet me there after work (by this time he was used to my weird cravings so he did not think I was a TOTAL wackjob).

All I really cared about was the cheese fries. So I ordered them up with a side salad as my "entree:. The husband had their outback special steak (which, by the way, I think its funny when I see the commercial for Outback where this steak is advertised as 9.99...but in NYC its like $17 bucks. did you say markup?)

The cheese fries arrived and I was in heaven. They are just as I imagined. Delicious baked cheese....crumbled bacon...fresh fries...HEAVEN. Oh did I mention the scrumptious ranch for dipping? My husband even remarked that it was one of the best things he has put in his mouth. Score one for the pregnant chick!

I actually think Outback has a yummy side salad...great croutons...so that was delicous as well.

My husbands steak was fine...nothing special. For 9.99 it would have been great...for $17 bones it was just eh.

I will say....the service there was amazing. I remarked to my husband that I thought it was funny that Outback provided the best service I had ever had in New York. The waitress was always coming over and my water glass was never even close to empty.

So...if you ever want to get on my good side. You now know the answer (well...at least for the next 4.5 mths. Get me some cheese fries and I will be a happy girl. If only everything in life was that easy!

Next up, a review of La Casa del Mofongo from the most awesome pregnant woman EVER. Never mind that she can’t spell to save her life, (“luckuly?” really?), she went out dancing at midnight while she was preggers. Everyone I know who is pregnant sits around farting all day and then goes to bed before nine. Best line of her review? “I was an angry pregnant women through most my pregnancy.” Seriously. That’s just the best.

This place in AWSOME!!.. im dominican my self i i just love being around my people. and not only that the service it great and faster than most resturant. I went when i was pregnant. luckuly i went at night time around 11:30ish and the music was blasting.... and the place was so nice i just got up and stared to dance ... (& i was an angry pregnant women through most my pregnancy) that place is the best... i go almost every week with my friends and husband! i love it!!

Here’s a lady who isn’t pregnant. But she manages to gross me out so thoroughly I’m including her in this round-up anyway. In summary, at the local grocery store the “rich iron stench” of “dead flesh rotting in fresh blood” reminds her of menstruation?which in turn makes her realize that her “body does cool things” and that she is not pregnant. Yup.

So it's 7:50pm and I've finally decided which recipe I'm going to explore from one of my new cookbooks, and I've got to get some veggies before Casa Lucas closes. I hurry the down the block away from my house, bounding around the corner ready to bust some sweet produce moves, and then my heart falls to the ground with a thud - Casa Lucas is CLOSED. When the evening comes that they decide to keep it casual and roll down the doors before the usual 8pm cutoff, I know I'm going to El Chico and it ain't gonna be pretty.

When I first moved to the neighborhood, I enjoyed patronizing El Chico because of their foxy lady cashiers who seemed to be totally indifferent to whatever your deal was, but mostly I think it was my lack of practical experience with the 8pm closing time. When that magical hour approaches, the left door is shut, forcing everyone to check out on the butcher side of the store. Now, this may not be a bummer for most people, but being vegan, I find the odor of dead flesh rotting in fresh blood pretty abhorrent to my nasal cavity and it puts a pretty big damper on my evening cooking festivities. Not having many daily encounters with this smell, the rich iron stench also serves the dual purpose of reminding me of menstruation. Yes, I want another PS that my body does cool things to let me know that I am not pregnant!

To be fair, it's not as intense of an experience when I can avoid the other side of the store, and although their vegetables are less fresh than the Casa, their fresh herb selection is pretty top notch. Sometimes their prices are lower too, and they do carry things like inexpensive shallots. Seriously though, when meat o'clock comes around it's gnarly times indeed

Ok, what in god’s name is a gallbladder attack?! And how does a friggin’ pizza cause one? Welp, he still gave them four stars in his review. I have no idea what that says about this pizza or his regard for his poor pregnant wife. But whatevs!

This is the 2nd best pizza you can get delivered in this neighborhood, the best being the front room. That's not saying a lot, but it's certainly better than mister pizza man.

I give this place 4 stars because they're close, fast, accurate, and those 3 things are hard in the outer richmond. The pizza is decent, not great, but certainly not awful.

Warning, Pizza City Express is a Gall Bladder Attack waiting to happen. I'm not kidding either, because their pizza made my pregnant wife have a gall bladder attack. It's the greasiest pizza I've ever had, which is why I only give it 4 stars.

And finally, a sort of voodoo pregnant lady attacking a bird in a Venice coffee shop. And the best thing about this place? The location, of course.

The best thing about this place is the location. It can't get much better. Today a pigeon flew in the store and landed right near a good looking chick. Another pregnant women grabbed the bird and released it into the air while chanting....The food is pretty good. Fun spot. I am looking forward to going back.

Oh, to be young and knocked up?

—Amy Blair