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Awe-Inspiring Feuds: The Story of Pat Kuleto, His Former Chef, Dog Feces, Love and Chest-Bumping

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Just in time for the beautiful Friday weather comes the best, most amazing story you'll read all day, maybe. It appears via the (Pulitzer Prize-Winning) Point Reyes Light and involves a long, childish feud between Pat Kuleto and a onetime Nick's Cove chef. With a lede like this, you know it's going to be good:

It began as a boat bump, which led to a chest bump, a restraining order, and now 19 calls (and counting) to the sheriff...
The Kuleto nemesis is a man named Clark Cable, who now runs a catering operation called Horny Oyster. Kuleto—simply described as "heavy-set man with a thick beard and a penchant for wearing kerchiefs in his suit pocket" (kindly note visual evidence)—has had it up to here with this Cable fellow. It all started when Cable was the Nick's oyster chef a few years back, but soon became an incredibly-entertaining loose cannon.

The entire tale of bickering is worth reading for the good chuckle alone (and to get the full story of course), but some of the more insane parts follow:

· One co-worker claims that Cable carried dog feces into the restaurant from the beach.

· More work hijinks: during a staff meeting on the pier, Cable suddenly undressed and did a flip into the water.

· Cable got fired in 2007 after an altercation. He picked up the GM and "carried him down the pier."

· The feud goes on and on after Cable's dismissal, including one time when Kuleto's boat crashed into Cable's, plus financial disputes and chest-bumping (almost a fight!) between the two men.

· Not even a little restraining order could keep Cable away: "One call reported that Cable was blowing a conch shell all afternoon and disturbing guests. 'I blow it to the gods to clear the skies and bring out the sun,' Cable said. In the past, he offered the instrument to Kuleto. 'He blew it really, really good,' Cable said."

· The article ends with Cable giving Kuleto the secret ingredient in his oyster recipe: love. Really. You can't make this up.
· Horny Oyster versus Kuleto [Point Reyes Light]
[Photo credit]

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