Speakeasy-style bar Central, "hidden" behind a crêperie somewhere in Portland. "> clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Distilled Moustache Is Not SF's Newest Speakeasy

<a href="http://atlanta.eater.com/archives/2012/08/07/behind-the-bookcase.php">Speakeasy-style bar <strong>Central</strong></a>, "hidden" behind a crêperie somewhere in Portland.
Speakeasy-style bar Central, "hidden" behind a crêperie somewhere in Portland.
Photo: Eater PDX/Brittany Wages

From the great minds who brought you Reclaimed Wood + Subway Tiles, comes a new satire about a bar that would surely shake things up for good in this town. For the annals of Fake Bars:

Hi Eater SF, I just wanted to give you a heads up on our new bar project in the works, hopefully opening soon in an undisclosed former speakeasy location! Our bar's name is: DISTILLED MOUSTACHE. We are going to distill all of our whiskey in-house, as well as grow fresh produce for our drinks in an underground greenhouse. Our decor will take you back to a time of cheap hookers, illegal mahjong, and lack of hygeine. Our bar manager has an extensive resume, having worked at famous cocktail dens such as: Whiskey & Limb, BOBCASA, Regional Copy, as well as WTF in New York.
We are also currently hiring "Distilloligists" and "Libationologists" to tend to our fine ingredients and tend bar. Prerequisites include: shaped mustache, plaid shirt, tatoos, vests, and skinny jeans. No experience required.

We will only take reservations, and even if noboby is in the bar, we will still make you wait.

Here is a sample cocktail menu:
The Vest: Bourbon, moustache sweat, bitters, cactus juice
The Stache: Scotch Whiskey, fresh basil, huckelberry juice,
Skinny Tie: Rye, lemon, maple syrup, egg white, soda & Angostura bitters

Thanks!

DISTILLED MOUSTACHE Management

Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Eater San Francisco newsletter

The freshest news from the local food world