The concept of a Whole Foods stabbing is certainly good joke fodder (driven mad by an accidental taste of gluten? caused by a run on coconut water?), but it actually went down in the Upper Haight this morning. As the Chron reports, a shoplifter was attempting to leave the store without paying, basket in hand, when he was confronted by a security guard. Attempting to flee, the thief stabbed the guard in the arm with a knife and booked it for Golden Gate Park, with a witness in hot pursuit. The cops eventually apprehended and arrested the thief, confiscating a knife and other evidence. The security guard was transported to the hospital; no word as of yet on his or her condition. Whole Foods had to close the store for about an hour as cops investigated and cleaned up the blood at the crime scene. Be careful in the supplements aisle, folks.